Touche Touchet: Relationships and Romance Abroad

I honestly never had an opportunity to really clarify how I felt about everything that occurred in Nantes. I did mention how my friend and I totally discussed this happening or not happening rather - well before we left. I recall discussing this over the phone and in person. Most conversations surrounding the trip were between us coming home from work. Her walking to or from the subway and me in my car making random stops. I remember clear as day sitting in my car after work under the glowing lights of Publix. I explained that I hadn't had sex in a few years and I'd also found it very hard to get past the "getting to know each other" phase. I'm human first and foremost. I'm over 30 which is a very important factor in why I am single. I'm also Black which burdens me in the relationship leading to marriage department. I am okay with my own personal experiences and the statistics I face. I don't treat any of it like a death sentence and most of the time I'm content. However, I was quite concerned about going abroad with no action in sometime. I expressed that we both had to have a fling or two before traveling so far away. We both joked about being "Taken" or married off to French princes. In both scenarios I don't think either one of us wanted to be the American prudes. So in my opinion it was high time we both dated and whatever happened should just happen.

She had her break up the Fall of last year and was always upset when anyone attempted to ask her out. I was simply avoiding the opposite sex like the plague. So we both made valiant efforts to go out. She met someone rather quickly and I resorted to online dating.
When I traveled to NYC I met the guy she was dating. We both surmised he wasn't the best choice for her. However, he was extremely secure, older than her and really open to courting. They were beyond just kicking it and he really made an effort to show he cared for her. Yet she wasn't really open to it and I advised her to end it versus carry it across the great pond. She opted to keep her mouth shut about everything and he sent her off with a few lavish bon voyage gifts. Now she was obligated to stay in touch with him and possibly continue wherever they left off once back. Now as many people as I was actively talking to online, I never managed to meet anyone. I told myself it was simply not meant to be. I would have been open to anyone willing to talk to me in Europe. However, that is not what either one of us was there for. We were there to enjoy each others company not actively date anyone. Now of course, neither one of us could stop each other from doing anything. It was just a matter of pre-discussed expectations. It was also respecting those mutual wishes no matter what occurred. I don't think it would have been hard to decline an offer based on that understanding. I also don't think it would have been so bad to just not tell the other person if you we're dating someone. Sadly, none of the above options we chosen. She openly pursued anyone that would have her. Then she chose to forgo whatever plans we made to go out with him. Then she continued to rub whatever they did or were doing in my face for weeks on end. She also had to become this morose character whenever he didn't communicate with her. She was acting as if a few weeks were years. 

At first, I really tried to be happy for her. I really did. When she became so pre-occupied I began to just feel sorry for her. I made up all these excuses of why he wouldn't contact her or how he was just getting back into his normal routine. In essence, he did just come back from a tour and maybe all that attention he showed her was because he had time to give it. Maybe he had a day job? Maybe he had things to do with his family? Maybe he just got busy? She acted as if he used her and now he was avoiding her. Yet we had a very clear understanding of how French men "treated" their significant others. The guys were always gentlemen to both her and I but they sort of ignored their actual girlfriends. Not to say they were an exclusive couple or to discount whatever it was they had - but he really didn't owe her anything. Besides once we began to travel I didn't expect him to communicate with her daily due to roaming and minutes. Those are the causalties of dating overseas or long distance. There will be these inevitable gaps in communication - you can't control that. Yet she kept asking me over and over about what I thought or what if we came back and he acted like he didn't know her. All I could think is "shit happens" and that is why you should have gotten all of that out of your system before we left. I guess I think more like a man and in my eyes it would have been a lot better physically and emotionally to forget about romance and sex while abroad.

I really do not know if she slept with him or not. It wasn't my place to ask. I did wonder though how someone that hadn't had sex could get some emotionally attached in such a short period of time. I seriously didn't witness anything but a few dances and side conversations in the first few days of meeting him. So it was perfectly pluasable to assume they had sex and that is why she felt so abandoned. However, it was her that planned on leaving so why even engage in anything. Also, she couldn't have fathomed him actually leaving his lifestyle in France or visiting her in the states on some sort of normal basis. That is why I wouldn't have even acted on anything while there. Then also to have him involved in a circle of friends. Not to sound old school but what about her reputation? Seriously, if I had sex with someone in France it would have been someone far removed. I also would have kept it to myself. I wouldn't have asked everyones opinion and then moped every single time I felt ignored. It was a few weeks and nothing to be so caught up about. I think I lost all faith in her when we had left Nantes and she was still discussing him. I didn't find anything interesting about it. The both of us are too old to be sitting up at night gabbing on and on about some guy. Frankly, I've never been the type to talk about someone I was initially dating and or having sex with. I don't think it is anyones business and it also adds bad juju. I feel like she jinxed herself. Even if she winds up marrying that guy it was totally bad for business discussing stuff so early on.

To get serious, casual sex is so old-school. I've had my fair share and since her age I have truly stopped. I'd rather contact an ex for a good time versus have sex with some random guy. At least I can contact someone from my past that I know and have intellectual conversation about their current status. I can't really expect honest numbers from someone I just met. In fact, most people are never going to be upfront about their sexual history unless sex is something of a pastime for them. I believe in the three month rule with people you are really interested in. She seemed very interested in him and for that both parties should have been willing to wait. That gives you enough time to invest to be sure and safe. No offense to either party, because I know they are both sensible people but too soon is too soon. I didn't get into any of this with her because I knew she may take offense. I also thought she knows better so I didn't have to mother wit her. We were friends and we knew each other well enough. I think she understood my limits and I was aware of hers. If she wouldn't have told me I think things would have been better off. I know she was irritated that I wouldn't embrace the whole thing. I know her friend thought I was cold for not really encouraging anything. Frankly, I did up until a point. I accompanied her to his place and he seemed like a stand up guy with a clean bathroom. I totally encouraged her to go out with him, have some drinks etc. After a while, a short while I just didn't bother to remain excited. I wasn't trying to ruin anything. I just didn't want her to get her hopes up. I was also extremely tired of her standing me up.

To some this may translate as jealousy. Everyone is entitled to their opinions she didn't have to ask mine. She continually sought my approval and I never said what was obvious. I could have totally played the bitter friend role and said we discussed this. However, I am not her keeper. Again, I was not there to mother her and I also didn't want to disrespect her or him. I did go to my blog and say a couple of choice words. I felt she was being a slut. I felt like she was doing whatever it takes to bag a member of the team. I thought after enough weeks in Nantes she'd be loving the whole crew. I chose her as a friend because we had similar outlooks on things. I chose to travel with her because we shared similar expectations. I didn't accompany her overseas to be a slut. I don't think she asked me to join her so that we could play "Spring Break"!? I know with the utmost certainty that she was not being herself and how it could amount to a lot of trouble for the both of us. Her more so because now she became someone who was emotionally attached and would eventually be broken if something went south. That is exactly why you get all that stuff out of your system before, keyword: before you travel. Maybe I was being judgmental or critical of her actions. But only so in my private blog. I guess I should have said how I really felt versus head nodded every single time she annoyed me about it. In conclusion, here is my sentiment - you want to have casual sex or a little fling, I can't stop you. But I am entitled to my opinion about it and once it interferes with me I can totally be negative. It wasn't like I had never shared my piece on the entire subject. It was also something she agreed on. So if I'm the bad guy for saying I told you so - touché!

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