Positive Vibes Man

In reading those original posts I am so glad there was some glimmer of hope. I was probably in these most hopeful state I'd ever been in just planning things. The reality is everything went incredibly sour in less than a few weeks. May was my hardest month. May was when I kissed life as it was good bye.


May 5th - Having a goodbye party - I hate parties - I over think everything and I never get to enjoy it - I'm world's worst hostess because I prefer to cook everything myself and I never serve people drinks or engage them - and to fuck that up then leave - I felt like the world was on my shoulders

May 15th - My deadline to be out of the house which was an end of an era - the house had a million problems - my roommate and I had a lot on our plates - everything was bittersweet and tedious - to go to North Carolina with all these expectations and be totally disappointed upon arrival - I was so stressed about leaving to NY on time - so we drove with a car full of crap and two dogs practically overnight

May 18th - Mom's birthday and my flight to New York - of course I forgot to get her anything and then I missed my flight - this made me feel like I was going to fuck up the entire itinerary - something was already trying to get rid of me before I even showed up

May 21st - My friend left for Europe and I nearly missed my flight back to purgatory - having to return from a weekend of great drinks and dinners and conversations - it ruined me to come back to this po'dunk town and a family that is the opposite of me

The only way - THE ONLY WAY - I kept sane was to call and message her about twenty times a day - she had this way of sounding so perplexed yet compassionate at the same time - I felt like she could care less about what I was going through but respected my feelings - so if she had to endure a 20 minute chat about my mothers hoarding or my grandmothers need to eat steak and eggs every 2.3 days - she did it - if the shoe were on the other foot - thankfully she was just inudating me with visions of London and Paris - so I was just this walking vessel of positive vibes - at times I closed my eyes and vicariously went to wherever she was - I did this every single day up until my flight - macarons and trains in between tit for tat and American cheese singles - she was having the time of her life and promising she would save the best for the two of us - so I just rubbed my thumbs and index fingers and kept my phone well charged.

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