Expat Dreams/Growing Pains - Written April 13th 2013

I really wish to make this transition to expat life seamless - however accumulation of animals, ornate things and personal effects stop the flow - moving - especially overseas -isn't just a check of the box - I must make plans, take care of my responsibilities and leave without disconnection - so in order to leave and make my way to non-U.S. citizenship I must rely on people - and the only person I can rely on the most is my mother - at the same time she is the only human being I dread having to ask - in the past few months I've attempted to confide in her - I have tried to explain how exhausted and unhappy I am - I am still trying to convince her that this move is best - and at this time I just need her to know that I will be okay and she will be the sole heir to everything I have - this request is making a detour in my one way trip.

When I was 16 my mother confided in me - she was injured on the job - I gave her my opinion and told her to keep it to herself - I did this to protect her and keep life the way it was - selfish I know but I was trying to protect us - my mother chose to do the opposite and I want to believe she had good intentions - however she managed to jeopardize her job and everything in our life - she fought a miserable workers compensation suit for over 10 years - in that time she lost her job, the car, the house and chose to return back home with family - she propositioned me into coming as well but I chose to stay here - after a year or so I followed her up north - to find her slave to her family - she remained jobless, sick and stifled - so I returned to my new found home without her - it wasn't my decision to live where I do - but it was all I knew as a teenager and now young adult - so I made it my decision to go back from wince I came - leaving all my family and making it on my own - my mother never really liked my decision but I didn't like hers either - not before and not then.

Since returning here alone my mother has been caught between a rock and hard place - she eventually won her case but she has yet to re-build her life - she's made several failed attempts to launch and just hasn't recovered - she bought a house she eventually sold - she bought a car she ran into the ground - she moved with my grandmother to the Carolinas to be in complete solitude - since the move she has been my grandmothers maid, driver, cook, assistant etc - my grandmother is perfectly capable of going about everything on her own - she is still working, volunteers, dances, travels - but my mother feels like she owes her mother a higher level of servitude - having took her back in after losing everything and being there when no one else was - however my mother is one of six - and none of them even offer to help - they have their own children and grandchild even - my mother simply ignores me and my siblings and never sees her own grandchildren - she even has a few great grandchildren now - at first she acted as if this was a short-term part of life and she would eventually comeback physically and emotionally - but she never lived up to that and acts as if she leaves her mothers side that Grandma will die - holidays are a strain - a simple phone call is a distraction - she is so tied up she forgets the little things - and sometimes sorry isn't enough - trying to be a silent partner in a ruined mother/daughter relationship has been so difficult - if I say something I would be an awful daughter to her - especially in her old age - so I save my breath

After not seeing my mother for over a year - calling and saying I'm moving to France was hard but warranted - when there is no one to talk with I attempt to talk to her - and she is my last choice - she likes to pretend that she's so busy and is most always unreceptive - talking is a chore - this is the first holiday she chose to stay where she was - and it was probably the most hurtful yet helpful thing she has ever done to me - the decision to leave was not just an opportunity of a lifetime; a needed break - but a way to get back at her for being the most absent she's ever been - and then realizing I need her after simply wanting her all this time sucks - I need her to help me pack, I need her to take my dogs and car, I need her to stay in contact with me as I travel, I need her as a plan B if things don't work out - and no matter how I translate that to her she just reads as if she doesn't care - she cares about the details but she doesn't get the obvious - I have nobody and if I don't have anyone I'd much rather be anywhere but here - in the past few weeks she's made jokes, foiled decent plans and now completely tried to sabotage these last few days where I can really make things happen - she was going to randomly show up when I've begged her to communicate about her arrival and be discreet about my plans

I'm under a lot of self-induced stress - and I thought having her here would calm me - I thought she could make things easier - I thought she could wear the mom pants and I could just focus - unfortunately it just isn't working out - at times I think she's disappointed in me and instead of simply telling me she shows it - other times I think she is making up for lost time and that is menacing when you've both gone separate ways in life - only recently I realized she just doesn't know me - and we both haven't made much effort - I'm not telling her how it really is - and she doesn't know who I am today because of who she hasn't been - all growed up now - I'm beyond being stuck with her choices - and I want my own - if I can't have what I want - and I can't be whoever she thinks I am - I'd rather just leave and be exactly who I am - I whole heartedly believe everything will eventually fall into place - for me that is - but I can't trust someone to take care of me and what is mine when they can't even hear me out - I'm also not divulging what I need to make me happy from someone far from it - I need her and her help - but I'm not a child - I'm my own person and I just wish she would respect me for doing whatever it takes to be happy - and realize now it is time for me to make my own decision with or without blessing

No comments: