A Year In Review

We come full circle.

I Got Hired!

All my life I've wondered what it was like to be Tess McGill. I would just be a brown version of her with a huskier voice. I would be like my mother in a hosiery club for office decency. I expected to be in a corner office and wave to passerbys. Maybe I could be Mary Jane Paul when she's writing. I too could have a desk drawer with a fifth of vodka. There would be some snarling old man of a boss growling about my presence. I'd be so well-dressed and articulate. I'd be chosen for teams and put on big projects. I'd be able to lean in at the boardroom meeting.  

Nope.

I work in an office with three other girls. The only guests we have are people from IT. 
I am the girl caged by a cherry wood desk.
I am that girl.

It doesn't matter where I went to school because we all did. It doesn't matter who is proficient in Office because we all have foggy moments in Excel. It is fucking freezing. The water cooler is always broken. Someone uses the conference room for working out. There is a plethora of mean girls who dress like B movie actresses. I take my work home with me every single day. I dream in spreadsheets. My boss is drop dead gorgeous and is the epitome of pure evil. She doesn't deny it either. The evil that is. 

I applied to make coffee. I now specialize in severed limbs. On a good day I'll do my hair and put on heels. Most days I am rolling out of bed. If I didn't have time to make a salad I'll scavenge the complimentary snack basket or order Chinese with the masses. No one uses Square because cash is more trustworthy. I can listen to Pandora with one ear bud. I get yelled at 2.3 times a week for things completely out of my control. Email is a more public form of accountability. I caught someone looking at porn in a cubicle my first week. Yes, office life is everything I thought it would be.

Pffft.

Feeling Good

FYI I wasn't on the verge of anything. I was just thinking of ways to re-route my life. I had been out of work for nearly two months. There was only $46 left of a combined severance and late commission check in my bank account. The kindness of friends and strangers alike kept the lights on and I was beginning to think this was the end. My Etsy account never took off. While I'm pleased that people favorite everything, I can't eat off virtual hearts and Pinterest shares. I had begun to apply for up to fifteen jobs a day. I wasn't using auto-fill and at times I was forced to reformat my resume; it was a chore. The unemployment process was confusing and ultimately denied my denial and asked that I apply again in a month. I had a decent interview cancel on me. I had another offer me a different role that I had already settled for. I interviewed and basically begged for the job and an hour later I was hired. I got a job! However, I got it on two hours of sleep. On tears of desperation. With an i and n missing in the word "maintaining" on my spell-checked, proofread and professionally printed resume. I got it in $15 tax week pants and humidity soaked hair. I also got it halfsies for it is basically temp work under the guise of a career move. So all the while I dreamed of backup plans - of winning the lottery or switching majors to fine arts. I watched videos of installation projects as thesis and I prayed that the government wouldn't shut down when I won. Now I work in an office bustling with people. I use a Windows computer and I actually like 10. I sit in the hallways on my lunch reminiscent of high school and I wonder if they like me. However, all of this is evidence that I and I alone control my own destiny. No one has won the Powerball and the deadline for Maine's intensive is in February. I still have unemployment. I still have North Carolina. I still have an Etsy. I now have a cat. I have several new and free coffee mugs. I pick new hairstyles to wear off YouTube every night. I have friends in low and high and far places. I also have a hundred people to talk to about this or that. And I'm getting paid for it. I even upgraded myself with a SunPass. Things are looking up I guess. I'm feeling good.

Comparison is the Thief of Joy

I will make this brief. I am on the brink. 

I Got Fired

I was fired a week and two days ago. I have never been fired or let go from a job before. I don't know exactly how to process everything. I was also not given a reason for my firing so I cannot hold myself responsible. I have grappled with the reasons why I may have been fired which makes me wonder about my purpose. I thought that I would be consumed by this and the opposite has happened. I feel free. I have come to several conclusions on my own but I am still waiting for a response. I hope that someone will validate my feelings or tell me where to go. Today I figured I really don't have to wait anymore.

In The Case of Dating An Alien: A Tale of Caution and Frustration

When I got out of my situation in late 2014 I promised myself to be happy. For me happiness involves being invested in good people, being loved, sharing insights and living life as intended versus whatever everyone else thinks. I put down my laptop for just shy of a month and I insisted upon meeting someone who could reward me for all my sacrifices. I looked for this said individual under every rock. I also told my mother and family friends that when I found him I would dedicate myself to settling down. I even threatened to marry the first man I met and have a child within one year of meeting him. The day I got back I met someone. In fact, the exact moment. While I was vague with him about my life, he was rather forthcoming with me. He explained that he had been on his own since age 14, estranged from his parents, had come to this country chasing a girl and now worked ungodly hours to make up for lost time. I understood everything. Or so I thought. Within weeks we were dating or "fake dating" as I called it. His European senses made everything so damn formal. I just wanted to get to know him and immediately it had to be dinner over a tablecloth. While it was unusual in my dating experience to be wined & dined, I'm not going to say I didn't like it. I loved it. He showered me in affection, we talked on the phone for hours and I felt I had met if not "the one" but a proper candidate as planned. 

And then the lights dimmed out.

Too Little, Too Late

I've been gone for a while and in this time things have gotten heavy in the travel editorial/advice/trend world. There are a zillion new publications in the online blog and travel zine realm. There are also all sorts of new innovations and destinations - Cuba, Ecotourism, Missionary Trips etc. With all these "developments" comes a whole new wave of interest, criticism, thought, planning etc. In my opinion, it's like going to Mars or setting out to find the "brave new world". Someone has to do it, there has to be a pioneer and then everyone follows suit. There will be growth and changes, but for now there is zero perspective in how it all turns out. That is where people like me fall in. We provide some experience - not all, but just enough to encourage those who are on the brink of discovery. While I myself have not stepped on a plane since 2013, I advocate for travel on a daily basis. No matter where I am or who I meet I am asking if they have a passport and what are their plans. I am also delving into all these hot topics hoping to be of use when the things become a thing.