I keep having to wrap my finger around this. We were in Malaga for nine days. Nine days! In nine of those days I argued with my so called friend almost daily. If it wasn't a full blown argument it was a one-sided negative conversation, a combative match of wits or a firestorm of digs and zings. In a place of pure relaxation I was exhausted from it. I'm not purely recalling from memory. I mean if I were to do that facts would get lost and events would be diluted. I am using all of my resources including my picture perfect brain to tie it all together. This process even with my resources is tiring. I have photos, metadata, a planner, my phone (which is like a time capsule) and pages of blog entries I never posted. I also have some interesting perspective being able to sit down and pick up the past. There are some days when I am here and it is refreshing. I love to write about the places I've been, the food and the a-ha moments. Other days it is just as draining as the original scrapbook moment and I slam my laptop shut. I'm only having to relive a few bad times but seriously was I that miserable for that long?
When you are being tormented things can feel like an eternity. Sometimes your bully, your oppressor or your frienemy can suffocate you. This is a physical emotion per se. You feel this non-physical suffocation and you want to say or do something about it. You have the opportunity to express this to the individual. Sometimes you have more than one. However, you are stifled, you are embarrassed and think you already know how they will receive it. I told her I was miserable. I think I phrased it "you are making me miserable!" and her response was always "I'm not making you anything!". The funny part is she was right! She physically wasn't making me anything. She wasn't physically doing anything to me or my emotions. She was merely there being herself. She was a catalyst. My response to her was scientific. Hey, if it's cloudy it may rain and it is all in how you handle it. You can be in fear of the said rain to come. You can prepare yourself with a raincoat and or an umbrella. You can also ignore the warnings and simply run in it when it begins to pour.
When I was in Malaga there was a constant threat of emotional rain. In my head, impending doom was always on the horizon. It was a daily expectation for there to be a shit storm I was totally unprepared for. I was in constant fear of her pulling one out wherever we were. I stayed like this for pretty much all nine days even when I was slightly enjoying myself. I seriously didn't like being put in a position where I felt like this. However, this was my own chemical and scientific reaction to her. She had absolutely nothing to do with my reactions and vice-versa. In that, she was no longer making me feel any kind of way. In fact, she was on her own misery train that I didn't cause. She'd expressed herself and I didn't react. She was now stifled, embarrassed and everything she had said I chose not to receive. To think I was reeling at what to do to make her stop making me feel a certain way? All along a had a great umbrella - my mind.
The less amount of participation I gave her shit, the less expectation, fear etc. I wasn't about to let anyone rain on my parade. When I look back through the pieces I see a turning point. Instead of me expressing to others how she made me feel - I was telling others who she was. However, even seeing that a pattern had changed I feel for my former self. I indeed was miserable far too long and in such a wonderful place too. There was this strange irony in feeling a certain way and using so many mediums to express it. At times I think I wasted days that could have easily been saved or recovered. However, in my mind she'd rained everything out. I know we've all heard the expression "what you eat don't make me shit". Well in the case of trouble in paradise it was more or less what you give I don't have to take. I tell you if we could all put that in front of mind life in general would be sunshine and rainbows.
No comments:
Post a Comment