Everything Starts With Friendship

We all have our hangups. I'll admit that mines is trust. I was raised to believe you can't trust anyone and nothing in this world is free. Funny how I every time I set out to prove this theory wrong it eventually bites me in the ass. I guess mommy was right. So it's faIr to say that her saying of "friends are far and few" is prophecy. I didn't cultivate that many friendships, relationships early in life. So maybe seeing is believing. Enough with the sayings! Did I - have I … made in mistake in trusting, valuing and cultivating a friendship knowing what I already knew?

I did.

However, how can one live in their own bottled up world not trusting and estimating the value of a relationship? I couldn't get on like that. So every time I made an attempt to destroy that methodology I was so-called fixing things. I was making my own little world better. I started out as a rotten kid who whole heartedly believed everything I was told. So yes I made sure not to make any friendships I didn't think I could keep. I totally felt misaligned with authority and didn't respect anyone given the task of guiding me. I also realized everything did have some price and sometimes it was paid without money. In this I didn't have childhood parties. I was a menace in school. I was always prepared to pay for whatever I needed and wanted. So in that came a necessary change. I evened out a bit as a pre-teen wishing to make my wrongs right. I sided with my teachers. I set out to prove my academic leadership as well as citizenship amongst peers. I created some of the friendships I have today. I now consider those actions apart of a system of reward. A lot more paid off for me than the other way around. Maybe I'm an asset. Maybe I'm a commodity.

Some say after a certain time in life it proves difficult to change. Some say beyond a certain age it is expected for you not to make friends with others. The value and the meaning of a relationship changes for both parties. It sort of makes you think - hmmm what is important beyond college? Should I invest myself in friendship or am I just networking? Are these acquaintances or can I call on these people? Is it expected for me to care for who I connect with or just make a connection and move on? Do I need valuable friendships or are relationships just a means to an end? In actuality, everything starts with a friendship and not all is lost when that friendship expires. Where things don't grow or become anything to either party is when things are just appearances. I think I trusted in a friendship that never was. I wanted things to be better than they were. I was still trying to prove time old theories wrong. 

The best partnerships, unions and deals don't start with opposite spectrums. They all begin with the concept of friendship. To foster that allows for bigger and better. To manage and maintain is a necessary culmination. When things go a rye and there are no attempts to fix it from either party - things end. So I always try to re-connect with the things that linked us. What is it that made us so? What attributes created a bond that didn't fear separation? How can I bring those things forth again to attract someone better, more worthy, loyal? What can this future person do to retain me and vice versa? How do we grow … together? If I think about the start - in any bond - parents, intimate relationships, business deals, pen pals, a marriage - will it re-asess things in that moment where all is on the brink? Maybe I have found the sweet spot or this just isn't rocket science? Even the mis-aligned can be straightened up and put back together again with mutual reflection. Did I admire/respect/appreciate this person? Do I? Still? I want the answer to be the same. When it is the same no matter what that speaks volumes about the start versus an unnecessary end.

I guess what I'm trying to say is I wish I'd thought about the start. Maybe I could have looked back and realized there was a difference. I think back to times where my back was against the wall. I recall those times I was faced with ending something personal and emotional. I think about those events and people I was most passionate about and how I went about it. The ones where I could think back to a start were delayed. I put more effort into those and attempted to do my part to change. So even when the inevitable happened I felt good and it seemed okay within in me. For now the beginning of our friendship is so cloudy. I can't get the years straight. I can't keep the occasions and the benchmarks in order. I am thoroughly confused as to how I got as far as I did. I don't know why I invested as much as I did. I don't know why I was willing to sacrifice as much as I wanted to. All I can see is the turning point and that should have been an omen. For other situations, I could at least recall the good and balance that. That always became my meter, detector for how long I could remain. And for a while I had worried that my guard had fallen. I thought maybe I was just opening myself up for negative relationships. Now I just close my eyes and I remember the start. I can see the difference. Can you?

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