I've been telling myself I cannot wait until this year ends. I like to think of 2013 as bad but necessary. 2014 though was just really uncalled for. This has been a rotten year and I cannot wait for it to end. I am open to a new year, with new beginnings and new faces & places. I've been a nomad for far too long. It will be so amazing to just put my feet on the ground and make a home even if it's temporary. Today I got out of the shower, I managed my ordinary routine, my new normal and I just imagined what could be. I wouldn't have to navigate this life. There will be a place for me and my things and it will all feel right. Seriously, as much as I try to commit to this, my everyday, it just doesn't feel like mine. This is what not having a home feels like. I'm out of suitcase. I am surrounded by boxes. I am collecting a life I yearn to live. I just want some place to put it all. There is no shame in admitting how much I need that.
There is a facade that others build for me about a life I've never had. People just assume I've come home to a place where I've always been able to come. They just know I am welcome and this is a place I can return to. I am the only one who knows none of that is possible. This house I live in is mere shelter and by chance. Technically, I am homeless. The bed I sleep in isn't mine. The sheets I'm under are not ones I personally chose. When I got out of the shower, although I've done it since March, it's still unfamiliar. I've been between cities, countries, hotels, motels, house shares, couches, air mattresses and furniture market samples. I have to find room in an empty drawer. There is never enough hangers or not enough clothes to fill the hangers. When I look through my wallet the cards no longer matter because I'm in the "wrong" place. When I sign up for whatever, I don't have an address to give. I stick out like a sore thumb. I don't belong. I never know what to expect. This all is a first but it isn't new.
The problem with being a Gemini is you do get bored. So this sort of lifestyle appears to be wanted. You express yourself and you know it never goes well. Think Kanye West, Prince, J.F.K. You just sometimes have to be the odd man out and put your pride aside. If us Geminis all spoke our inner thoughts, the world might/would be a different place. I don't say that in the way like we are better than most. I just think our contributions would be too much (in a bad way). Seriously, Geminis aren't jealous or envious types. That stink about us isn't about pride … it's the lack thereof. We open our mouths before we think. We don't cower to the worst. We ride change with ease but our body language and behavior says otherwise. It's the twin thing and a constant feeling like something, someone is missing. It's a bravery that makes us sometimes appear like we have it all when we really, truly don't. So that facade, I'm not creating it and I don't keep it - others continue to say it is there. I've gotten to a point where I don't defend others imaginations. I guess being off the grid, not knowing where I stand - well 2014 has made people confused about me.
Yeah so when recently I was told I will always have a home to go to. My immediate, Gemini reaction considering my reality is that was an insult. My mother had to reel me in and give me an appropriate thing to say which was basically nothing. Later I struggled with not being myself and she asked me questions around the topic at hand. We had a long talk. It was the first time I told her how I really felt. Our talk wasn't really much about me. It was a discussion about pride. I explained how it wasn't the first time I'd been "accused" of having something I didn't have. People think I'm a leader. I'm not. People think I'm mean. I'm not. People think I had a silver spoon in my mouth. I didn't. She brought up the facade and the assumptions. I had to tell her how I didn't have a home. She wasn't aware. I had to tell her I haven't had a home to come to since 2002. I had to tell her how sometimes I didn't sleep for working three jobs. I had to tell her I've been hungry. It was deep to tell my mother for the very first time that pride had me hungry as late as 2007.
This opened up a dialogue about choices between us. This is a conversation neither one us has had to have, not just with each other, but anyone. My mother had children at a young age and she went through it. I know she thought with me it would be so different. It was but for only so long. The truth is there was no silver spoon. The truth is I've always been a nomad. The truth is I haven't had anywhere to come back to since my mother left Florida. And the truth is she will never come back. The truth is this new normal has absolutely nothing to do with me. I don't have a childhood room with my posters on the wall and my trophies on the shelf. I may be able to tell my mother I am hungry now, when I more than likely never will be again, but so many years ago I couldn't bring myself to do that. My life doesn't include a back up plan or any resources like most. I was never that lucky. I didn't have the luxury of family. I've always been estranged from them - on both sides. When I sacrifice and deny myself pleasure - I do it because I don't have a choice. I am prideless to an extent. I would never go to my maker and admit defeat. I'd rather die trying than to give up. Besides where would I go when I gave up? I had absolutely nowhere to go. My mother left me at 21 in the middle of Florida. She gave up and she had places to go. I never did. And no it never occurred to her what she was doing. And I'm now understanding the damage she did. But hey we're both better for it … now.
So yeah people may see it as though my mother and I have some crazy bond. They assume I tell her everything and she is always on my side. They think with every life trip I've had the ability to just go home. Well, no. I could have gone about that so many ways. I could have joined the military. I could have just settled for someone to carry me. I could have stuck with school and made a career and life of it. I could have laid down and died. I wasn't 21 being left at a dorm. I wasn't 21 choosing to leave. I wasn't 21 in Paris. I was invincible. I worked at 15. I left home at 17. But I could go home!? I'd already been self-sufficient, the facade was there and even my own mother thought I was capable. I had to become capable and many, many times I failed. However, I never let anyone see that. I always saved face. I always kept my head up. I was always one step ahead in making sure I always had my own. So many people just knew I had it all. I've met so many people like me and I commend them. It's rare to see people fighting to just create a life for yourself. When people walk out, when you lose it, when it's hard - you're steady creating and allowing people to make you their hero, their champion, their mascot, their idol, their dream, their fantasy. If they only knew. I had to choose what I wanted for me. No one helped me. No one took me in when I fell. I didn't even have someone to call. No one ever pitied me. No one ever felt sorry for me. All they ever saw is what they wanted to and I managed accordingly.
So yeah with her I am just as alone as I was without her. This is her home and I have no room in it. The choice I made to walk away from my "old" normal and many possessions was mine. In the end, it truly is my choice to walk out of this life and into another. How I do that doesn't depend on anyone but me. It is merely a choice. So for those thinking I'm doing the wrong thing or I'm incapable of being lost - pride is not an obstacle for me. I get over it. I can. I will. I choose to. There is so much I've done and would like to do and I don't see it as far fetched. I have a magical imagination too. I just know that if I set out for something or I need or want something - I'll get it. I don't have to tell anyone. There's no need to shout. And if I fail it's on me. It is all on me. Now had it been any other way, maybe I could blame someone else or I could just "go home". I'm giving out invitations for someone to be in my shoes. Yeah there is a roof over my head but I didn't build it, I don't pay for it, I can't decorate it and I don't have a key. You wouldn't know it though. I'm not angry at anyone for this situation. I chose it. Pride would have had me working at my dead end job. Pride would have had me walking around France. Pride would have me in jail. Pride would have me living out of a box. I am humble and grateful for this. I am earnest to know there is more. And I'll get it whether you know it or not.
So what ends with pride? Guilt. Struggle. Suffering. Blame. Pressure. Laziness. Mistakes…. Your pride will make you covet what you can. A lack thereof will make you open. It's nice to have it but sometimes it holds you back. Maybe it is your crutch, your obstacle, your excuse. When you let go of it you can stand on your own or you can let someone in. You can go out there and make choices. You can have someone help you with them. You can appreciate the hurdles. You can reciprocate. You can move on. You can move.
2015. It's so damn close I can touch it.
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