I Went Back "Home"

I time traveled a bit and chose to return home … temporarily. It's been about two weeks since I went back to Florida. I thought it would set in motion a concrete plan to return permanently. Instead, the trip made me re-evaluate a lot of things. I had a great time. Again, traveling with little to no expectations. I also saw too much. Now there is great uncertainty if going back is even the right thing. I am questioning my willingness to return and my overall happiness if I do. I feel I may get trapped "Redemption Road" style and never go on to fulfill my dreams of not being there at all.

Honestly, Florida is convenient. I'm used to it. My stuff is there. I have a small circle that values my presence there. The only thing I struggle with is that it isn't promising. Again, I've been gone for about two weeks and I still feel hopeless. I expected to find a job, an apartment and really get things moving in a positive direction. Nothing has happened - not while there and not since being gone. I'm trying not to get discouraged but whats the sense in trying? I could totally find alternatives to going back to who I was before. In my heart of hearts, I'm more open to the choices than I am to just facing the above facts.

Before I placed the most value on my home. I loved to have a place in the world and call it mine. Refuge after working all day, driving in rush hour traffic, trying to socialize as a thirty something in a transient city. Frankly, it wasn't that damn great to begin with. Now when I think of this place I am fixed on finding something undeniably perfect. I don't want my home life to ever be compromised again. I don't want to move. I don't want to worry. I just want to stay put. That need for comfort scares me. What happened to my 5 year plan? Will I ever leave again? Will I be forced to get back into the rigamarole just to maintain something I shouldn't want? Am I willing to take that risk - to sacrifice?

I have a disdain for authority. I don't like change. Only now with an extended break from both can I admit to it. I don't want to be a slave to a job I don't want. I don't want to be whisked from this world of doing nothing to having to do everything. It frightens me. Then I know inevitably I'll become bored. I'm not altogether satisfied with returning to what I endured for so many years. I've tried to approach unique offers. I gravitate to the networking type jobs and ones where I'm not making a major commitment. I may act like I'm desperate but I'm being very selective. I'm thinking about just getting by compensation wise just so I can be free when I want. It's selfish and I'm not sorry for it.

Home isn't all its cracked up to be either. A lot has changed. Basically in the year that I've been gone everything has transformed. I believe the city is attempting to look like somewhere else. That's fine - I'm not going to question a city's effort in keeping up with the Joneses. However, I'm not impressed with the strong-arming of perfectly acceptable places and things. So many clubs and restaurants have shut down. They plan on compromising the skyline with all these new high rises and sports stadiums. There is a big effort on readying the city for some event that may never come. It bothered me. It made me totally not want to live there - at least not after the transition is complete.

Right now it's more about where I am needed. It's also about where I am wanted. As much as I hated the scenery and was disappointed in the job market - the people move me. I found that those people who embraced me made me feel welcome. We all had some dialogue about the changes and my ultimate goal but they still made me feel like I should be there. When I weigh the choices I do have - I feel I have more purpose in Florida. The only chance that I take is that I go "home" and get complacent or I get back and I am miserable. If it is the latter at least I'll still have options. It'll be the great spark to fuel my plan to not stay. If I feel that itch I want to be in a position to scratch it. I don't want to be stuck in a dead end job, with a shady lease and a bunch of possessions I can't let go of it. I want my suitcase to stay ready and someone available to take my only obligations.

I stayed a total of ten days. In that time I spoke with a lot of people and got their perspectives. No one ever made me feel more inclined to go one way or another. Everyone simply stated that I was missed and with time spent expressed how much they enjoyed me. There was never an opportunity to be bored even when I was just at home with my former/future roommate. I just felt like I need to be there at least for a little while. I feel like it's necessary for me to get back into things and see if I like them again. Maybe these people can support me unknowingly. Maybe they will keep me on track and always front of mind with my personal goal. I won't know until I get back there. I won't know if I don't try. Technically, I can't really fail. It's not an experiment. I'm just gonna try to get back as soon as possible and see things out. I should know pretty quickly if I'm that same person and if I can't deal I promise myself to starting running … fast.

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