Time Traveling/Petty Party

I've only shared this blog with a few close friends and people I've met since the trip. For those reading through the wonders of the Blogger community and Google - thanks for your views. By now I see a trend in anxiety versus a need to know about what happens next. I see this in the analytics of my blog entries and hear it in the voices of those I talk to about my blog. When discussing the goings on of my European trip I am informative to a point and then emotionally vague. Trust that I am reliving all the moments of last year in the now. I am reading daily Timehop's which speak to that time. I am reviewing notes in my phone written when I was there. I am packing things here and coming across ticket stubs and exhibit maps from back then. So for me this blog is frighteningly relevant.

I sense great agitation in the people that know me and her and have followed my story as it unravels. There is the constant questioning about the overall trip, the demise of our friendship and ultimately how,if and when I plan to move on. I am asked if I will ever speak to her again. I am asked if I miss her. I am asked if I regret going to Europe. I am asked will I ever go again. On my own? With someone else? To live? Trust me these are the questions I ask myself almost daily and the answers never change in my mind. However, I am worried about the reception of those answers so I've been quiet for a long time. Even today my Timehop revealed a Facebook status from this time last year saying "Silence is Golden".

I know that for some of you my recollections are petty. Surely, I'll admit some really are. As I look back and write I realize most of what occurred should have rolled off our backs. If I can see that, I would think she could see that. What if we met? It could prove to be healthy and productive. We could sit and laugh about the finale of our trip. Even if there was no addressing of issues, apologizing, forgiving or forgetting - just a discussion alone would suffice. We could come to terms that we were both wrong in our own ways. We could agree that we should have never done the things we did to each other. We could talk about the things I've been so reluctant to talk about with anyone. This is my way of redeeming myself for those petty things. This is a way to validate a friendship that just had a petty ending. I know the friendship could never continue but the above could feel good. It feels good just writing about it.

However, when I read the above I know she would be unwilling. She would answer my invitation with several questions. Why when she has moved on? What is required of her for me to do so? There would be a selfish response. That would be her reaction to everything I am asking and to all the questions being asked of me. How dare I or anyone assume she could be anything but as selfish as she was during the trip and after. It would be petty of me to ask for answers, closure or resolution. So many things happened after I felt everything was resolved. I guess it was my turn to be selfish and her turn to be petty. Overall, I am more surprised by the reaction of others then her lack of reaction. I can't blame anyone for being curious. Outsiders want and need more clarity than either one of us. What can anyone do without hearing both sides? To them all they see is me bitching about something that happened so long ago. They don't realize so much was hurtful and damaging. I've let enough out so that there is still mystery. So now there is a constant thought about the worth of this story. To people on the fence, there is more.

In the remaining posts of this story I will come face to face with those people. I will be unprepared for the interrogation. They will badmouth me about the ending of my story. I imagine myself coming off as someone embellishing and making something out of nothing. I will hear alternate endings to my own story because I haven't been the only one trying to tell it. I may have lived it already but imagine again and over and over. There will be more pettiness. There will be turns. I will begin to feel all the same emotions as people claim I never had them in the first place. The acts of violation and betrayal played again. Then just as before I will long for people and places that I no longer have any ties to. I will be scrambling to finish things I didn't start. I'll be selfless in trying to make my wrongs and the wrongs of others right. 

Just because the story is over doesn't mean the traveling ceases. I will forever be on the go - back in time, forward, again and again.

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