I Got Fired

I was fired a week and two days ago. I have never been fired or let go from a job before. I don't know exactly how to process everything. I was also not given a reason for my firing so I cannot hold myself responsible. I have grappled with the reasons why I may have been fired which makes me wonder about my purpose. I thought that I would be consumed by this and the opposite has happened. I feel free. I have come to several conclusions on my own but I am still waiting for a response. I hope that someone will validate my feelings or tell me where to go. Today I figured I really don't have to wait anymore.

Firstly, this was only a placeholder job. I'm not going to try to make it out to be anything more or less. A friend gave me this job as a way to pay bills. It wasn't an opportunity to hone my skills or make a career move. It barely paid the bills. It also put a climatic strain on the friendship that gave me the job. I was either going to quit or this person was going to leave me behind. I could have been ungrateful or lost. In this respect, the severing helped us both albeit was humiliating to me. In the hours and days after I expected a phone call to ensure my friendship was still in tact. That call never came. I also realized that my firing was probably planned and in the works. This could have been unbeknownst to them or the prestige. Sadly, I will never know. The silver lining is I made the job work for me so much so I lasted seven months. I am fully eligible for unemployment and despite the outcome this circumstance works completely in my favor. 

I'm more or less disappointed. This job was my crutch. It allowed me to sit back a while until I got what it is I really wanted. It allowed me to work in a somewhat casual environment and learn new things. It kept me agile and ready for the next best. I don't feel defeated in this. I feel empowered. I imagined that with my new free time I would rest. I also thought I would become restless. I have kept virtually the same schedule. I will admit to neglecting my home, car, dogs as if I'd gone though a breakup. However, I did not allow my mind to get lazy. I began working on whatever, whenever and that was more important to me than being complacent. I'm not the only one in this position. I am flanked by those in the same imposition. We all have completely different ways of dealing with it. I rank this right up there with loss and grief. We all are grieving.

For me there was a culmination of emotional and taxing events before and after my firing. These things have left me in a state of shock. I am trying to surround myself with people that can support me even if they do not know it. I am being trumped by a series of heavy and empty experiences. Unemployment has some computer glitch so I can't file. My sister got arrested and everyone assumes I'm the breadwinner that can save her. I opened an Etsy which keeps me up for hours in the night. My mother had to reevaluate her mortgage after helping me financially for so many months. I may have to have a hysterectomy despite my sentiments. He has continually lied to me and I've cut my losses when I really need someone. My landlady is a bitch and my entire apartment is falling apart. I found water in my car. Two people have began using me after I told them I lost my fucking job. My so-called friends aren't empathetic and expect me to eat out every 2.3 days and I can't say no. I have no idea how I am going to make rent. 

At this time I am applying for jobs that are way out of my scope. In essence, beggars cannot be choosey and I have to take risks. I'm unsure about where my next paycheck will come from and when. I didn't have any savings. I don't have a financially stable family. I am still paying debts from this world tour that ended two years ago. The funny part is people and so-called friends expect for me to have some plan b. I don't. I never did. I simply expected that the job I needed and wanted would fall into my lap. I didn't really work for it. I didn't spend nights revising my resume. I didn't read any self-help books on office speak. I didn't invest in decent clothes or shoes for an interview. Now when my back is against the wall I am doing all of the above. I feel more prepared for the nothing coming my way than I did when everything was possible months ago. Surely I am disappointed but I am learning. 

Friends are really far and few. There are people that have been supportive and they don't even know it. Frankly, I don't need much encouragement. I need people to recognize the opportunity of my newly found freedom. I need people to accept the change. What I've found are those who wish to distract me and others who are more aware of my potential than I was. I like to think I was fired in this manner to help me and to make me see the error in my ways. That is the conclusion I have drawn. There is no conspiracy theory or finger to point. I just need to move on to bigger and better. In the meantime, people have reached out to me and not the other way around. Why? Because they know I am better than a placeholder job. I'm also good for it. I'm so close to the next best thing and it is evident. Somedays when I'm not occupied with preparation and awareness I allow myself a cheap date or two. 

P.S. I'll get back in the swing of things when people stop telling me about traveling for or to the Diaspora AND I'm not burdened by petty things like money and ovaries - soon come - for now I've got work to do...

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