Our last night in Rome I was met with a wallop. Well several back to back. First, an old friend of mines got married. Second, she was the one to tell me this. Third, her frienemy reaction made me realize her and I should have never been friends to begin with. To sum it all up I was sitting in bed with her showing me wedding pictures as though we were best chums. The reality is she was just turning the knife. My old friend was someone I'd encouraged to marry. I know now that I only did that because I couldn't have him myself. Their six degrees of separation was now forcing me to smile at photos of him marrying someone he told me he didn't love. I smiled to keep from crying and participated because I couldn't leave for another four days.
P.S./Disclaimer before you go on greedy….
I read a lot regarding the subject matter of having someone be it an ex, fuckbuddy, lost love or platonic friend go and get married - I did this to drum up the courage to write about it - I know now I was probably pretty traumatized by it regardless of the time uninvolved or being far removed - let it be known that situations like this do get emotional for the person no one considers - firstly one remembers whatever the relationship was, evaluates that and or themselves, it could be completely by surprise especially to someone in a f.w.b. situation or a few months out of a long term relationship - so its best to understand that persons place in that BEFORE divulging the "secret" of their ex, fuckbuddy, lost love or platonic friend getting married - some people do need to cope after hearing this sort of news - they grieve and digress - I was halfway prepared but never given that opportunity - so I wrote this to state just how low her and I were in regard to each others feelings towards the end of the trip - she hated me and thats the only reason she told me - but I also wrote this to say you never know just how close you are to someone until you are apart - in this you'll see how that works in several ways
Her and I should have met before. In that I would think we would have met and realized we didn't deserve each others friendship. I didn't like girls with names like hers. I didn't like people her sign. I didn't like what people like her stood for. We never shared the same outlook on or experiences in life. Yet we had crossed paths many times much in the same way she knew my friend. I had dated a guy in 2006 that knew of her. He was a great guy at first but turned into someone that didn't work, had two children he never saw, was a felon and a raging alcoholic. He also hung in the same circle as her and her boyfriend was also a friend of his indirectly. These people all shared the same philosophy of living for today and never worrying about tomorrow. In that they developed little to no relationships - personally or professionally. They refused to work or accept any form of institution or education. They also grifted and or made things to get by financially. In that time she was a poet that sold tapes. It kills me to know I probably heard one of those tapes and had no idea it was her voice. Long story short I dated said guy long enough to see he was not for me. I made sure to avoid that lifestyle and those people he tried to make me accept.
During that time I'd began a platonic relationship with my now married friend. It was professional at first and then it became a friendship strung together by bar invites, music listening and beers at my house. I was quite aware he had a long term and live in girlfriend because frankly she was all we ever talked about. I always supported him and encouraged him to just marry her because I thought it was best. I knew of his cheating and frankly I was apart of the problem. I never condoned it or participated but I was taking up a lot of his time. His girlfriend was someone I had hoped to befriend but after a while of our get togethers she didn't "like" me anymore. I don't even know how she surmised anything because he wasn't my type, he's apart of the local music scene and I was trying to avoid all of that. However, things got crossed when my ex started to bother him about my whereabouts. He seemed to take up for me and really bashed me for ever dating the guy in the first place. I didn't ask for the attention but he gave it after years of listening to him and helping him cope with his relationship. The whole thing was just therapy and pretending as if it would lead to more. We basically saw each other every four months if that and always agreed to disagree about his cheating and my serial dating. He was not someone I called on a regular basis. He was not someone I could call on a regular basis. He was a rapper. I was a fan. We aligned on that.
The last time I saw him he did reveal that he'd finally proposed to her. I didn't express happiness nor sadness - I just didn't care. In my opinion the gesture was long overdue. This made him angry and we haven't really spoken since. I never saw him going through with the actual marriage. I really expected for him to come clean about himself and her to call it off. If not her I thought he'd succumb to his normal self and break the engagement off. So to be sitting on the side of the bed and hear a high pitched voice telling me "isn't this your little friend?" I was hurt. I didn't really need her of all people to explain that it had indeed happened. Everyone knows what it feels like to be placed in an awkward position and how can you ever predict your reaction. Well my reaction was to pretend how interested I was. I decided to assist in the game of looking for more validation that he was indeed getting married. So as she was really digging in and finding people to confirm his wedding - he was walking down the aisle in real time and I was not there. All I had was a few messages, tweets and pictures and no more. To add insult to injury he had contacted me days before I'd left the states. I didn't respond to him because I was leaving and felt like I'd never hear from him or see him again.
So my friend that got married, well he used to buy her poetry tapes. Just years before I'd befriended her she was on that same kick that she too wasn't "working for the man". When we met and began to talk she explained her past affiliation. She insisted that she was not into that stuff anymore. Yet and still we had all these mutual friends from our deep, dark pasts. I never in a million years thought that those relationships would connect and ultimately collide. She was also the same person to tell me things about my ex when he was going through things. I'd avoided him all these years and she loved to tell me if and when he was doing well. I recall one day being out and seeing a place where he used to stay with a for rent sign on it. Her and I just happened to be on the phone and she mentioned that place had been vacant for months and no one knew where he was. That forced me to be the bigger person and start rehashing things and trying to get ahold of him. Of course I found him like I always do and that began yet another cycle of trying to rid myself of him.
Fast forward to now, my friend and his wife have a child. I think the baby was born last Fall. This means she was pregnant when they were married last July. He has also contacted me again and in that I responded to him with his new titles of husband and father. He didn't respond to that. Oddly enough he is still quite active in flirting and conversing with women while married with child. I've even found his dating profiles while looking to return to serial dating myself. The one thing that lingered with me through my remainder of the stay in Europe is did he attempt to actually call me? I was always adamant about him not asking my approval of his relationship or a possible union but I did think what if? I imagine he was put into a position of following through and making things work. Maybe I wasn't there if he needed advice or an alternate ending? The reality of coming home and seeing them annoyed me. Now it's sort of bittersweet considering she truly did deserve a ring and they have a complete family. I will say he did ask before letting me in on the proposal "what do you think it would be like if we got married? where would we live? what would we do?". I ignored those questions as well. I'm really not even the marrying kind!
I just wish I hadn't gotten reeled in by her and all these intertwined people. I wish I'd never been so jaded by the one relationship I really wanted to work to be pushed into the problems of a relationship that actually became something more. I wish I'd never been so motivated to get my life in shape just to meet someone who ruffled things back up. I really wish I hadn't spent my last night in Rome seething while he was having the best day of his life. The irony is I'm no longer jaded, I don't have to be anyones therapist and life is better off. I've come to terms that you never know why people do the things they do. I only began to like her and want to be her friend when I heard her recite her poetry. My ex got me to go back to school and quit working three jobs. My friend will always be my favorite rapper. And his wife gave him a son. Now all I have to do is see these people in Publix no more, no less.
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