I want to say it is simply a sign of the times. Where is it safe for me to wonder? I am caught between where I do belong and equally as threatened when I cave into wanderlust? For the longest I'd been working on something to reflect the climate of racism and violence in America. That focus has blurred into so many other topics stemming from the origin of police violence to just human interaction anywhere on this planet. I hate to be the bearer of bad news - but I personally do not feel safe anywhere anymore. To make things worse - this is not an instinctual or intentional choice. My fear is involuntary. I have never been the type to be afraid. However, now I am made to be afraid of going anywhere, be it overseas or down the street.
It has been about a month since I've posted and I've been itching to say something. However, I thought it was best to meld into life as it was and see if I could juggle this and that and everything in between. I have been doing everything different. Christmas was … intimate. New Years was … casual. I kept the tree up until the second week of January. I started working just a few weeks ago. I take the bus versus drive the car. I invite people over for drinks. I let people see me without makeup. I spend my off days organizing my place and trying new restaurants. It is so different being normal again. I've been dating. I've been doing laundry. I've been baking. All through this, in the back of my mind …
I am still hurt.
Now I don't do resolutions. I come up with a word for the year and let it center me. These past few years my word choices have been too spot on. Last year I just let go of the concept because I feared what would come of it. Like I mentioned this holiday season was strange. It was so informal. It was long. It was too perfect. I simply forgot. But when someone reminded me of this hurt that I've suppressed, they gave me my word for 2015. It is "forgiveness". This is a word I do not believe in. I do not practice. Yet I have dwelled on pain, resentment, regret and mistakes for almost two years now. They phrased it like this - I don't need to forgive her. I need to forgive myself for what I did and for what I am still doing.
I am doing way too much.
So what exactly does this mean? For me? For the blog?
Well, I see a bright future ahead when I release myself from these feelings. When I let go of this failure and disappointment. When I can move past the violation and the distrust. I strongly believe everything I learned will show itself. I left here a girl and came back a woman. Who can I hold responsible for this transformation? That bitch I made a mistake in traveling with. I forgive myself for making that mistake. I am letting go of the emotions that came with making that mistake. I no longer feel guilty about my choices. I can see the reward. Not only am I better person but she will learn too. Someday what she learned will show itself as well. If I forgive myself, my vision will be clear, so I can see when that happens.
forgive |fərˈgiv|verb ( past forgave ; past participle forgiven ) [ with obj. ]stop feeling angry or resentful toward (someone) for an offense, flaw, or mistake: I don't think I'll ever forgive David for the way he treated her.• (usu. be forgiven) stop feeling angry or resentful toward someone for (an offense, flaw, or mistake): they are not going to pat my head and say all isforgiven | [ no obj. ] : he was not a man who found it easy to forgive and forget.• cancel (a debt): he proposed that their debts should be forgiven.• used in polite expressions as a request to excuse or regard indulgently one's foibles, ignorance, or impoliteness: you will have to forgive my suspicious mind.PHRASESone could (or may ) be forgiven it would be understandable (if one mistakenly did a particular thing): the arrangements are so complex that you could be forgiven for feeling confused.DERIVATIVESforgiver nounORIGIN Old English forgiefan, of Germanic origin, related to Dutch vergevenand German vergeben, and ultimately to for- and give.
I am spending 2015 learning how to forgive. Happy New Year. Let's move on.
I've had a month of nothing but travel and I am exhausted. I bet you are too doing all that holiday stuff with your families and friends. I'm gonna get some much needed R & R.
Happy Holidays!!!
Come fly with me in 2015…
I came "home" last Wednesday. I still cannot believe I am here. A few nights ago I borrowed a can opener. I'm surrounded by boxes of things I no longer fit, like or want. I walked twenty minutes to the grocery store. I took the bus clear across town out of boredom. This has all happened too fast. I have changed. It isn't about the city and the skyline and the lost friends. I personally have changed. I've barely spent any time with myself in this apartment. It was supposed to be a household of two. I may have took this space by myself but I keep inviting others in.
My potential roommate didn't like it. I figured his complaints were only a few and the place was the only thing I knew of. So I contacted the owner and made my own arrangements sight unseen. I was moving in within the week. I had to do a number of things to rush it. I shipped myself clothes, food. I turned on utilities for a place I'd never stood inside of. I also took the train down at the 11th hour knowing I could lose my deposit if I were late or didn't show. I don't know if it was the nerves or the motion but I threw up three times on the train. I wasn't in an aisle seat so I tormented my seat mate. Even with shipping things I wound up with four bags when I should have had two. I was bogged leaving. I couldn't even sleep for the combination of worry and excitement. I had a hotel room just in case and I barely slept five hours with two beds.
I am moving slowly. I also have comfort in purging things. I'm no longer sentimental. Frankly, I am no longer attached. I sat a chair out on the curb I've been lugging since I was sixteen. I "accidentally" broke a plate I had deemed ugly but only kept because my mother gave it to me. I have a growing pile of random things I don't even understand how I got in the first place. I can't even go into the amounts of expired food and medicine that was on the verge well before I put them in storage. I also cannot believe how many shoes I have. I recall getting rid of about twenty pairs of shoes and I still feel overwhelmed by whats remaining. I find myself opening something and telling myself "this is nice" when I chose it and have owned it.
The freedom is the most overwhelming. What do I do with myself? Should I read a book? Should I watch all 3000 HD channels I have? Should I take this new commuter train all the way to Sanford? I'm honestly bored. I'm typically up early, still waking to my mothers pills alarms. Once up I'm not hungry so I find myself analyzing light switches or washing things in the dishwasher because the water is included. I find myself noticing pointedness of spoons. I have a hundred bottles of thickened nail polish. I bought headbands a few days ago just to discover two unused packs of them. I'm scared to check my printer ink head for it may be fused to the insides of my printer. I threw away an entire box of things from my childhood including weird magazine clippings and clothes.
I've narrowed down the things I cannot live without to one tote in the corner of my closet. I cannot find my trash can. I hate all of these sheets. I had bought Christmas cards in 2012 with "Seasons Greeting" in many languages. So it felt good to sit down and make out these cards to the people I love. I had just enough forever stamps. I messed up my address at least seven times so I'm down quite a few envelopes. I've done laundry twice. I walked to Panera and ogled at all the lines for brunch around here. I've missed a lot. I see now this place isn't so bad. It may even be too much. But it feels good to finally be.
Oh boy. Time to say goodbye. Farewell to chicken and biscuits. No more "hi you"s in the grocery store. Hats off to incoming winter. I can't find my winter scarves anyways. I've been packed since June. Anything acquired or bought just gets packed up too. I have always been prepared to leave, just waiting for my cue. And just like France, as I am leaving, I feel some strange tie. I guess it'll remain because my mother is determined not to leave. At least I'll have a room where things will stay unchanged. There will be evidence of my stay. Maybe when I come back the food and the country greetings welcoming. Maybe it wasn't so bad after all…
In talking about travel and Europe and friendship …
It was said why would I go abroad accompanied again to dissolve yet another relationship. It was said jokingly but trust I don't wish for that to happen again. Does lightning strike the same spot twice? I really don't know. I just know that I value my current friendships even those newly formed. I believe that if I hand picked any of them, with blindfolds on and in a third world country - we would make it through. However, I'm not going to justify what happened against what could or may happen. The only thing I can do is redeem the happenings that would make anyone joke that I'm "the bad travel friend". Reality is this post has been written, updated, edited, deleted, started over and over again. I'm really trying to redeem my entire experience. Of course, I'm not doing it through this blog but this one post is supposed to be the code change. Right now, I'm supposed to explain that I did have fun … we had fun! Seriously, not everything was bad! In fact, there really were more good times than bad. There were epic nights, many bloopers, happy disasters and inside jokes. I can also say there were highlights to the trip and unforgettable little things that made everything seem worth it.
About a month ago I was gently reminded of how long this journey has been. I was out at breakfast and my phone rang. I had a phone call from someone I hadn't spoken to in a very long time. Now I don't indulge in the idea that once we aren't talking daily I no longer need your contact information. I keep every phone number and business card. I have every physical address book, date book and journal. I am not into the digital business of making space for new and getting out with the old. So boy was I glad to hear from someone who believed in the same. She called me out of the blue and within hours we were talking just like old times. Nothing had changed or did it?
